"Sorry,"
is probably the most used word in my vocabulary. I've even had people tell me that it's my catchphrase. I will apologize for anything and everything, but why? Why do I feel the need to say sorry so much?
If I talk about myself too much to someone, I say sorry. If I accidentally bump into someone, I say sorry...at least five times. If someone trips while they're walking next to me, even though I did nothing, I say sorry. My favorite is when I apologize for apologizing too much. "I'm sorry I said sorry so much." Yes, this really is something I do very frequently. It's almost a compulsion at this point. One time, when I was a junior in college, I accidentally cut off a mini-van while getting onto the interstate and they honked while zooming around me. I still remember exactly where it happened and the guilt wracked my body and how I wished there was some way to find them and tell them, you guessed it, that I was sorry.
I still haven't figured out what it is that compels me to apologize for everything, but I also know it's not uncommon, especially among females. Some people say that females apologize more than males because they're oppressed and blah, blah, blah (while yes, I am an extreme feminist, I don't want to go into this in this post. If you want to know more, read this). While this may be true, it definitely isn't the whole reason. I've found that I apologize the most when I feel as though I'm being "too much." When I talk too much about myself. When I praise myself or speak about my accomplishments. When I tell someone about my problems, especially when I tell people about my problems. I feel guilty for putting my problems on them when I should be able to handle them myself.
I still haven't figured out why I feel the need to apologize for just being myself. Sometimes I believe it's because I was called annoying as a kid and I don't want to be annoying. Sometimes I just don't want to be a burden to someone. I tend to live by the mentality that I want others to let me help them with their problems but I'll be damned if I burden someone with mine (I guess that's what I get for being a Cancer). And sometimes I just genuinely feel guilty for whatever it is that happened, even if it is out of my control.
The funniest part about this whole post is that every time I post a new blog post on any of my social media outlets, I feel the need to apologize for...I don't even know...clogging up your news feeds with my posts? Who knows...but...I'm sorry.
PS: This is one of my favorite poems by Tyler Ford. It hits very close to home...
