I'm so mad...

I'm mad.

Pissed.

Frustrated.

Angry. 

Furious.

Mad that I've wasted more than half my life stuck in the grip of ED (eating disorder). I'm always going to wonder how my life would have gone if I hadn't been preoccupied with my eating disorder, and I don't just mean food or weight. I mean that I was preoccupied with being perfect, not taking up too much space, not being a burden...

I wanted to share a journal entry I wrote my senior year of college (about two years ago) after a particularly important group therapy session.

"I'm just so angry. It's as if all of the anger that I've never felt is building up and radiating out of me now. I've never been able to feel angry without feeling guilty about it or feeling like a bad person for being angry. Now that I know what I'm really angry at, it makes it so much easier and honestly, my anger is just picking up momentum. I'm mad at ED for affecting so many people, and I'm mad at him for affecting me and stealing a huge portion of my life that I can't ever get back. I'm mad that he is still affecting me now and that he's probably always going to affect me. I'm mad that people on the outside just don't understand what it's like to deal with ED and there's no way to explain it to them. Honestly, maybe they don't think that way and I'm furious because ED makes me believe that there's no hope. I'm pissed as hell that ED has made me despise myself. I'm pissed that I can't see a reflection of myself without feeling disgusted and I can't see another girl without comparing myself to her or him for that matter. I'm pissed that I can't focus in class. while studying, while I'm with my friends, or while I do anything without thinking about my self-hatred. This is not a life to lead, a life full of anger and self-hatred, of something so unbelievably hard to control and I'm the most angry that it chose me. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Am I really that bad of a person? That weak that ED saw me and picked me? What did I do wrong?"

It's so easy to be angry at yourself for feeling the way that you do, but remember, it's not you. Get angry at ED. Get angry at your anxiety. Get angry at your depression. NOT at yourself.