"But you don't SEEM like you have social anxiety..."

"You have social anxiety?" 

"Yeah right, you talk so much and are so friendly." 

*Insert eye roll here.*

The truth? I do, in fact, have social anxiety along with the slew of other mental problems. The reason you can't tell that I have social anxiety is partly because I've been taking medication for it since I was 19. That makes five years of taking medication for my social anxiety as well as going to both group and individual therapy. 

Not only does the medication I take help, having social anxiety does not technically mean that you can't speak to people. It means that it's more stressful for you to speak to people or that you over analyze a lot of interactions more than normal people do. So just because I don't seem like I have social anxiety on the outside, doesn't mean that my brain isn't going crazy thinking of all the different scenarios that could go wrong with said interaction.

I read somewhere once that extroverts become energized by social interactions and introverts have their energy drained by social interaction. This makes total sense to me as someone who has social anxiety (which usually means you're introverted). There are times where I need a night or a whole day alone just to recharge my brain. And when I say alone, I mean alone. No friends, no boyfriends, no parents-- alone, where I can just sit and do whatever I want. I can watch Criminal Minds, go on Tumblr and just recharge. Now wanting to be alone isn't because I don't want to be with these people or because I don't like spending time with them, it's purely because for my brain to function properly, I need this time to recharge. 

It's very easy to assume that people don't have mental disorders because they don't act in the typical ways associated with that disorder. Just remember that, that's the point. They don't want you to know that they have a problem and they've probably been working their way to this point for a while. They may be on medication that helps with the disorder or have been going to therapy to help with it. Remember, don't assume, because it just makes and "ass" out of "u" and "me". 😉

John Mulaney talking about having social anxiety is everything:

Sorry...

"Sorry,"

is probably the most used word in my vocabulary. I've even had people tell me that it's my catchphrase. I will apologize for anything and everything, but why? Why do I feel the need to say sorry so much? 

If I talk about myself too much to someone, I say sorry. If I accidentally bump into someone, I say sorry...at least five times. If someone trips while they're walking next to me, even though I did nothing, I say sorry. My favorite is when I apologize for apologizing too much. "I'm sorry I said sorry so much." Yes, this really is something I do very frequently. It's almost a compulsion at this point. One time, when I was a junior in college, I accidentally cut off a mini-van while getting onto the interstate and they honked while zooming around me. I still remember exactly where it happened and the guilt wracked my body and how I wished there was some way to find them and tell them, you guessed it, that I was sorry.

I still haven't figured out what it is that compels me to apologize for everything, but I also know it's not uncommon, especially among females. Some people say that females apologize more than males because they're oppressed and blah, blah, blah (while yes, I am an extreme feminist, I don't want to go into this in this post. If you want to know more, read this). While this may be true, it definitely isn't the whole reason. I've found that I apologize the most when I feel as though I'm being "too much." When I talk too much about myself. When I praise myself or speak about my accomplishments. When I tell someone about my problems, especially when I tell people about my problems. I feel guilty for putting my problems on them when I should be able to handle them myself. 

I still haven't figured out why I feel the need to apologize for just being myself. Sometimes I believe it's because I was called annoying as a kid and I don't want to be annoying. Sometimes I just don't want to be a burden to someone. I tend to live by the mentality that I want others to let me help them with their problems but I'll be damned if I burden someone with mine (I guess that's what I get for being a Cancer). And sometimes I just genuinely feel guilty for whatever it is that happened, even if it is out of my control. 

The funniest part about this whole post is that every time I post a new blog post on any of my social media outlets, I feel the need to apologize for...I don't even know...clogging up your news feeds with my posts? Who knows...but...I'm sorry. 

PS: This is one of my favorite poems by Tyler Ford. It hits very close to home...

"Coming Out": Mental Disorders

Trusting someone enough to tell them that you have a mental illness is one of the most difficult things to do. There's always that fear that they'll think you're crazy or that they'll tell you to just "get over it." So, you keep quiet and go on believing you're in this alone until it eats you alive. Let me be the 10,000th person to tell you, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. I know, I know, it's the most cliche statement and has been drilled into all of us, but it's true. You'll realize this once you start sharing your problems with people you trust...or in my case, the entire internet. Just recently I've been told by people I love and have known my whole life about the troubles they have with mental health that I didn't know were happening. It makes me so sad that they have had to go through it but it also brings me comfort to know that mental illness is NORMAL. 

"Coming out" with your mental illness to your family or friends is a really difficult task and sometimes, depending on the illness, impossible. I know that for me, texting, emails, or notes were the easiest and probably the only way I could have told the ones I love about my problems. Most of the time, I am not able to talk about my problems with anyone. Now, when I say I'm "not able," I mean the words in my brain refuse to work their way out of my mouth. It's as if there's a shield blocking them from being spoken. So, I turned to writing and it has worked the best for me. 

The first person I told about anything was my mom. For me, this was the most obvious choice because she's my best friend. Even then, I told her by text message. I was a sophomore in college and writing my 10th journal entry about how I really wanted to start therapy when I thought, "instead of writing this over and over I should do something about it." So I texted her and told her what was going on. The next week I had a session with my first therapist. Now obviously, telling someone about this stuff isn't always going to go 100% okay, there are some people out there who still think it's all "no big deal" and you can just "get over it." But I'm telling you, a majority of people will understand and want to help you out.

I told my dad by email and he let me know that, while he doesn't understand mental illness, he was still there for me. I didn't have to tell some of my friends, they just knew and understood. My best friend has always just somehow understood that this is the way I am and has loved me anyways...I don't thank her enough for that. I told my college boyfriend about it all by writing him a long note and hiding it in his backpack. When he found it, he sent me the sweetest message about how it doesn't change who I am and that's something I think is really important. Your mental illness doesn't change who you are. You're still you. 

No matter what you're going through; anxiety, OCD, depression, an eating disorder, etc., you're still YOU. Although, mental illness will always be there to tell you that you're alone in this, at the end of the day, the people that actually care about you won't care what kind of crazy shit is going on in your brain, they'll just be there to love and support you no matter what.