The Bad Days.

If you've never experienced any type of mental disorder, this isn't going to make any sense to you, but I hope you'll try to understand anyways.

When it comes to anxiety, some days are worse than others and then there are some days that are the worst of the worst. Yesterday was one of those days for me. The kind of day that I am me without being me. It's as if there were two sides to my brain. One side thought like myself and the other side, someone completely different. The "different side" controls my body and my mouth, then the "me side" is almost floating above me, judging me and hating everything I'm saying and doing.

The "different side" makes me say and do things I don't mean and then I regret them with my whole being for days afterwards. By this, I mean, I feel physically ill with regret about the things my "different side" has made me do. I feel like I'm going to vomit or I punch into my hand repeatedly or scream while I'm in my car. All these things, just to try and get that regret and anger out of my body before it explodes. I would do anything to make it stop. I want to send everyone a message saying I'm sorry for things that I don't even know what I'm sorry for, just to make the overwhelming feeling of regret and guilt go away.

This sounds insane, I know, but I'm being 100% truthful. They say that mental disorders are a chemical imbalance in the brain, so I kind of have a theory. Most of my really bad days come after days that are extremely good. They come after days where I am happy and feel amazing. My theory is that my brain tries to level out the chemicals in my brain when there is too much "happy" chemicals by emitting "downer" chemicals but it doesn't know how to regulate the amount and ends up pouring in a whole cup when the recipe only called for a teaspoon. Now, I'm obviously not a scientist or a psychologist or anything really, this is just how I like to think of what happens to me.

I don't know why these days have to happen to me, and I'm still working on ways to control them or at least manage them. Until then, I'm sorry to anyone I shut out on those days or disappoint on those days. I truly don't mean to.

Eating Disorder Movies: Triggering?

"I'm sorry that I'm not a person anymore, I'm a problem"
-Ellen, To the Bone

Fuck Hollywood's portrayal of eating disorders. The tiny, rail-thin girl who has been to in-patient multiple time and still isn't better. The girl who somehow makes bone-thin look pretty and finds "romance" while she's at the hospital. Fuck that. That's exactly why people with actual eating disorders feel like even bigger failures than before.

"I'm not that skinny..."= I'm not good enough at having an eating disorder.

"I've never been to inpatient..."= I must not really be sick.

"He fell in love with her while she was still sick/in inpatient..."= Being sick is attractive.



I get it though. You can't make a movie factual AND interesting. You've got to keep the viewer hooked so why not add a star-crossed romance in there? Hmm...movie about anorexia? Edgy girl thinks she's fat so doesn't eat...let's have her go to inpatient, make some friends, maybe throw in a boy and then BAM! she starts trying new things and, oh my lanta, actually eats something!, then she relapses but ultimately at the end, she returns to recovery! OH BOY! Fuck that.

Yes, there are definitely truths in these movies. Everybody's eating disorder story is insanely different and unique and seeing the same portrayal over and over again is toxic. You might say, "Then why do you watch them?" Why do you think? It's entirely sick, but we watch them to get ideas. Ideas on how to be "better at being sick." Do you think those disclaimers they show at the beginning are going to deter us from watching? No..if anything, it reinforces the need to watch.

While I obviously completely support getting eating disorder stories, and all mental health stories, out there, I also think they should be done right. That being said...I don't think there's any way to portray any mental health story, especially one about eating disorders, without it being triggering in some way to someone.